This post probably won’t resonate well with my friends and family who have got it all figured out. Most of you seem to know what you are doing. Like life is easy, and everything just works out for you like it does in the freaking movies.
Not me. I feel that I have to struggle for everything, and even then I don’t have much.
It started a few weeks ago. This weird nagging feeling. Like that feeling you get when you know something isn’t right. Only it never. goes. away.
I thought maybe it was just hormones. Maybe this stupid feeling will go away. Maybe I will stop feeling like nothing I am doing is right. I’m getting angry at everything for no reason. Everything was aggravating. Every little thing was bothering me. I was feeling anxious over everything. Had to be hormones, and eventually it would go away.
But here I am, tears in my eyes, finally realizing that nope, it’s not hormones. It’s me. There is something wrong with me.
It was sneaky. I didn’t notice anything was wrong at first. I just found myself not wanting to go home once the work day was over. My sanctuary, my wonderful and perfect apartment was a place I suddenly feared. I didn’t want to spend another evening alone with my thoughts.
I found myself at the movie theater, alone, with a ticket to see Divergent. I’d already seen it two other times. That night made a third. I didn’t care. I wasn’t sitting in my apartment alone again. Other nights I went shopping, or looked at books in Barnes and Noble, or visited my parents. But even all those places felt wrong. They were just momentary distractions and eventually I would have to face myself again.
I tried other sorts of distractions to make the feelings go away. I worried about my friends problems. I spent too much time trying to figure out ways I could fix them. All along the nagging feeling stayed. I tried burying myself in Skyrim, or my TV shows. I even started baking more. Those are things that I like. I should feel better now, right?!
I started to look outside of my home for the source of the problem. If the things that usually make me happy, weren’t, then something else must be wrong. I started to blame my job. Maybe I’m just not happy at work, and that’s why everything feels off? I applied for a promotion that I was no where near qualified for. During the interview I was told of opportunities that may be available to me in the future. They all sounded absolutely horrible. They just didn’t feel right.
NOTHING FEELS RIGHT.
I just don’t know what I want out of life. How did everyone around me seem to figure these things out so easily? What do I want to do with my life? What career do I want? Do I want a house, husband, kids? I DON’T KNOW. Right now I feel like I exist without purpose. Exist without meaning. With no path to follow I am simply floating through a meaningless life. What is this all for?
I am lost. Doubt I’ll be found.