A year and three months ago, my grandmother passed away.
We were never very close, my grandmother and I. My cousin spent a whole lot more time with her than I ever did when we were growing up. However, I do have fond memories of her. We used to spend weekends and and vacation days staying over at her house. She made us pancakes and bacon. We played card games and watched tv together. We also swung on the porch swing and enjoyed the summer days together.
Her death turned my world upside down.
My family is not very large, and a lot of relatives do not communicate with us much. To lose one of our members was absolutely devastating. The worst part for me was that it wasn’t sudden. We knew it was coming, and all we could do was watch and wait. We said our goodbyes, and sat with her for five days. It was painful and heartbreaking. And then it was over.
Afterwards, I didn’t care about anything the way I had before. I stopped doing all the things I used to do for fun. I sat around my room and just felt nothing. Getting up and living was a struggle. I had never felt so lost in my life.
I don’t remember why I started, but one day I put one of the Twilight movies into my DVD player and sat here in my room and watched the whole thing. I just let my mind go blank and enjoyed the movie. I didn’t think about anything- not about how sad I had been, not about how lost or alone I felt, not about my grandma not being around… nothing. I thought about nothing and it was wonderful.
As days and weeks went by I found myself watching through all the of Twilight movies. I even went to the store to purchase Breaking Dawn Part 1 so I’d have another movie to sit and not think through.
After 2 months I finally felt okay enough to go out and start doing the things that I used to do before. I spent time with my friends. I went to wine class. Things didn’t feel normal, but they felt better.
I owe it all to Twilight. I know I felt better sooner because I allowed myself that time to not think. I allowed myself some time to get out of my head and exist in another world where I didn’t have to deal with sadness or loss or pain.
Now I find myself, 1 year later, digging through my collection to find my Twilight DVDs. My mind has been racing and I can’t get it to stop. I feel like Bella Swan in the woods: lost, alone, and so very cold. I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I don’t know where I’m going or what I should do.
I do know one thing though: Twilight will be right here with me. To shut off my mind when it won’t stop racing. To take me to another world and escape my life.
Thank you Twilight. I don’t know what I would do without you.